This season of life right now I’m in is difficult.
There. I blogged. For the first time in like, two weeks!
I’ve been wanting to type, but sometimes it’s hard to find the words. And it’s funny; writing is such an outlet for me and lately I haven’t even been journaling, let alone writing on my very public blog. It’s a weird time. But let’s back up.
October 2016 was one of the worst months ever. And it was one of those times were it wasn’t something specific that happened it was just.. life? One thing after the other? It was getting to the point where I was crying daily, at work (never in front of my students, but still). I was having to drag myself out of bed to get to work and turned in multiple assignments late to grad school. Have you ever been there? Where it’s just a bunch of little stuff? But it’s like a lot of stuff and so it’s just festering and boiling? So of course, on Halloween, I decided the best way to feel better would be to self-medicate and get DRUNK and have FUN! When you already are diagnosed with depression, booze is just not a good mix. All of this led to a clusterfuck of emotions and a realization that it was time to change some habits.
So I did.
I’ve gone back on my medication, am resuming weekly therapy sessions and (for the time being) have cut out drinking. I’m just not in a good spot right now and truly want to do everything I can to feel better. The thorn of depression is showing me the other roses in my life, right? (Supportive friends, my parents mailing me a care package, a wonderful therapist, a kind friend who took me to get medication in China. IT WAS AN INSANE ASYLUM LEGIT and just awful. I couldn’t have gone alone).
You might be wondering why I’m telling you this. I sort of feel like, since I went off my medication at the beginning of the summer, I got a little High Horse that yoga “cured me”. Even in this post I feel like I come off a little judgmental about those on meds. You know yourself best. Although I hope and pray that medication is not a life long solution for me, right now it is needed. Please don’t ever feel ashamed about needing extra help to get your normal. I honestly don’t feel ashamed– I’m proud I was self aware enough to get myself the help I needed.
So that was October. And then we had the election where I went to bed feeling excited about the possibility of having a woman President. I was honestly SHOCKED that Trump won. I wasn’t expecting it (was anyone? I mean, really, was anyone?!) My heart broke as a coworker and I both teared up thinking about who would be leading our great country. I felt sad, ashamed, confused, pissed off, and devastated. I thought about my many LGBTQ friends who are terrified to go out in public alone in America right now (no, I’m not kidding and I don’t think it’s dramatic to think that). I think of my students, who dream of going to America to go to college, and how they might be treated as Asian minorities. I don’t know guys, I’m scared and sad. I know I’m not alone in feeling like this. But I am.
I’m trying to think positive (of course) and am hoping for good things for myself, my future, and my country.
Red cups in China. I’ve never seen them here and this is my third holiday season! The little things!
The past few weeks (on top of all of this), I’ve had terrible, tear inducing back pain but an appointment with the chiropractor seemed to clear that up, at least temporarily. I’m so grateful for that!
My school asked me to represent them at a job fair in San Francisco in February. So basically I get a free trip to America (TARGET! CHAI TEA LATTES! GOOD INTERNET!) and my parents are going to come out a day or two early so I can see them. That’s going to be so fun, and I feel honored that I was selected. It will be really cool to see the other side of a competitive job fair.
Thanksgiving is next week and Christmas is soon! Lots of fun plans coming up.
I’ve been getting plugged back into church and have met a new friend to go with weekly. Honestly, I’m motivated to go more when I know I’m meeting a friend. Is that awful?
New TV shows: This is Us, The Mindy Project, Vanderpump Rules (I know, I’m garbage), and New Girl. Fall TV rocks!
Life was not promised to be easy.
What’s new with you?